Traumatic Bonding

Leaving a harmful and toxic relationship is often not as easy as it seems. The process can be challenging not only because of practical concerns, like where you’ll live, how you’ll support yourself, or how you’ll care for your child on your own, but also because you may feel emotionally attached to your partner and deeply fear separating from them. This emotional attachment is defined as traumatic bonding.

Traumatic bonding is typically associated with being stuck in cycles of harm, devaluation, and emotional abuse. It can occur in various types of relationships, not just romantic ones, and manifests in different ways:

These bonds are often rooted in a fundamental power imbalance. In such dynamics, you may feel as though your partner has total control over you, leaving you with little power to resist or break free from the relationship. Even if you manage to leave, breaking this bond without professional support can be difficult. You may feel incomplete or lost without the relationship and may find yourself wanting to return simply because you are familiar with the cycle.

It’s not hard to leave someone who continuously harms you and disregards your well-being. However, in some relationships, the partner shows affection and kindness only in specific situations—showering you with gifts or calling you their “soulmate”—making you feel valued. This behavior, often described today as “love bombing,” makes you forget all the times you were devalued or made to feel insignificant and causes you to focus on the good moments. But once those specific situations pass, the partner’s harmful behavior returns, and the cycle starts again.

Traumatic bonding can also manifest in the following ways:

• You no longer feel close to your partner or believe the relationship makes you unhappy, yet you find it difficult to end it.
• When you try to leave, you experience intense physical and emotional stress.
• When you express your desire to leave, your partner promises to change but fails to follow through.
• You find yourself defending your partner’s behavior or making excuses for them when others express concern.
• You continue to trust your partner and believe you can change them.
• You try to protect your partner by keeping their harmful behavior secret.

In these relationships, hormones can serve as powerful reinforcers. When your partner apologizes, gives you gifts, or shows physical affection, these behaviors can trigger a sense of relief and activate the release of dopamine, a “feel-good” chemical in the brain. Physical intimacy or closeness can also trigger the release of oxytocin, another hormone that strengthens emotional bonds and attachment.

People who experienced emotional abuse in childhood may be especially vulnerable to forming traumatic bonds in adulthood. Their brains may already be familiar with the highs and lows of these emotional cycles, making them more likely to be drawn to similar relationships as adults.

Although trauma and past experiences make breaking these bonds more difficult, it is possible to stop the cycle by taking the following steps:

• Acknowledge What You’re Facing: Recognizing the existence of a traumatic bond is a critical first step. Doing so can help you identify the signs of abuse and recognize the cycle.
• Avoid Self-Blame: Remember that abuse is never your fault.
• Cut All Communication: Once you decide to leave, cut off all communication to break the cycle completely.
• Seek Professional Support: Even if you begin to weaken the bond on your own, breaking it entirely often requires professional help. A trauma-informed therapist can help you understand the underlying patterns of traumatic bonding and support you in building healthier emotional attachments.

References

Raypole, C. & Rush, T. (2023 June 12). How to recognize and break traumatic bonds. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding